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This photo is appropriately blurry, not just because my lens-hand was shaking from laughing at them, but because when they get like this -- back and forth and up and down and over and up and back and forth -- this is what it feels like to watch. Your eyes can't keep up with their chaos.
The reason she looks all shifty is because Margaret is going to bowl her over in 3... 2... 1...
A) Sorry if you came by and my whole blog was gone yesterday afternoon. I was trying to tweak something to make the comments run faster, and I accidentally cut up my MT Index like a paper snowflake. Things may be wonky for a while still; I built it back speedy quick.
B) I didn't do a very good job yesterday explaining my post about the voting guide -- that it was a running joke with some Republican friends of mine. It actually upset a lot of people, so I'm very sorry for that. After reflection, I realize it looked like I was trying to simplify this election into Good vs. Evil, which is not only vindictive and unintelligent, it goes against what Sirius Black said about the world not being divided into good people and Death Eaters. I hope you guys (especially Amanda and Cate) will forgive me. :)
C) I am having hot chocolate for breakfast because it is super cold here this week, and this hot chocolate is the chocolateiest chocolate I have ever tasted. It's sickeningly delicious. You should try it; it's from Starbucks.
D) This was one of my favorite weeks of the Collective so far. We wrote a running story about a dog called the Hallowiener. You should go read it.
E) Last night I dreamed I had dinner with J.K. Rowling and Pat Summitt, both of whom encouraged me to be better; and then they gave me a jet pack.
Oh, and P.S.: Look who's running for all the Oscars!
The major source of discord in my house is the "arrogant way I receive information from anyone that is not the Internet." i.e. Amy doesn't like it when she tells me John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are back together or that tickets have gone on sale for High School Musical 3 or that Barack Obama resoles his shoes instead of buying new ones, and I roll my eyes and say that I knew all that two Tuesdays ago.
I have told her repeatedly that she, too, could be an insufferable know-it-all if she would just get Google Reader. People with Google Reader know everything.
After one such battle this week we took the dogs for a walk, in total silence.
About two miles in, Scout started rooting around in the grass and came up with something in her mouth.
"Is that a stick?" I asked.
"No," Amy said, rolling her eyes. "It's a snake."
"Well, it's the stiffest snake I've ever seen," I said.
"That's what she said," Amy said.
We giggled. And then the stick started wriggling around in Scout's mouth.
"Holy Hell!" Amy said. "It really is a snake!"
I grabbed Scout's leash from Amy and pulled her toward me. "I'll get it," I said, my hands trembling. Snakes are my number four fear after bears, balloons, and vampires. But Amy had told me only a few weeks prior, when we encountered a baby snake on a hike, that their mouths are too small to hurt anyone.
"WAIT!" Amy shouted as I reached toward Scout's mouth. "Heather, I lied to you. Baby snakes are posionous. They can bite you. It's even more potent than adults sometimes. Like scorpions and —"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LIED?"
"You were having a panic attack on the trail and I just wanted to calm you down!"
I growled and fell to my knees beside Scout, finally managing to wrestle the snake out of her mouth. It was very dead.
"Don't speak to me," I said to Amy as I got myself together. "Don't ever speak to me again."
"What was I supposed to say to you? You were shrieking like a little baby on that trail!"
"You have to tell the truth! You have to keep my alive!" I said. "You know I don't know anything at all about wildlife!"
Amy stood up straight and cocked her eyebrow. "I thought you knew everything."
"Horeshit! There's loads of crap I don't know!!"
"That's so weird," Amy said. "See, because I thought you used Google Reader."
My newspaper gave me a 1,000 word trial at an opinion column. The editor loved it, but the voice is all wrong for my community. Save the hate mail: I've written an arrogant form letter if I have to respond. Please don't make me use it.
I quit church the day Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces in Iraq.
It was December 2003, and the entire congregation spoke of the news as if God had given America an early Christmas present by delivering Hussein into the hands of our military. My pastor rejoiced during prayer time, saying that of course Hussein had been found in a hole: why, that's where snakes live!
That morning we were to thank God for smiling once again on America's army, and to pray for expediency in Hussein's trial, that he might be executed quickly and efficiently.
It would have been viewed as un-patriotic and un-Christian to say it, but all I could think of was the 1972 Associated Press photo of South Vietnamese children fleeing an accidental napalm drop by American forces in friendly territory.
Let us not worry about petitioning God on behalf of starving, injured, displaced Iraqi children. Let us skip over the victims of the Sudanese genocide. Let us forget the tens of millions of people dying of AIDS in Africa. Let us not even mention the parents in our own city who cannot feed their children. Let us, the disciples of Jesus, focus our collective prayers on Saddam Hussein.
During the Cold War, America was god-fearing and the Soviet Union was godless. What are a couple of non-white Vietnamese children — asphyxiating as they tear through the streets burning alive — in the grand scheme of Good versus Evil?
It depends on who you're asking, I suppose. Jesus would have walked right by us that morning that Saddam Hussein was captured, right by our fancy sanctuary and overpriced clothes, right to those suffering Iraqi people or wounded soldiers — soldiers on either side of the line.
What a way to talk, people would have said to me that morning. Don't you support our troops? Don't you believe in God?
Yes, I do: to both.
I also believe America's founding fathers knew what they were doing when they built into the Constitution a wall of separation between church and state .
The majority of Christians today have it wrong, especially when it comes to politics. I believe it's because they either do not understand the Bible or the Constitution — or, perhaps, they don't understand either.
Most Christians are casting their vote for president this year based on a few buzz words: family values and pro-life being among the top few.
Those voting on "family values" (which, of course, means they believe gay people shouldn't receive the same rights as everyone else) show a complete lack of understanding on what the Bible has to say about homosexuality. Those voting on "pro-life" show a complete lack of understanding about the role of the president.
I've often heard Christians say, "Freedom of religion doesn't mean freedom from religion." When, in actual fact, that's exactly what freedom of religion means.
It means that the United States government should make decisions free from the dogma of religion, that there is a difference between crime and sin. Thomas Jefferson did not want us to legislate our morals. And here's something even more radical: neither did Jesus.
Thomas Jefferson knew his history, and had witnessed first hand how mixing religion with politics destroys societies. Jesus understood, too. Occasionally his followers would say things like, "All right, Jesus, the time is ripe to overthrow Caesar — just like the Old Testament promised you would!"
Jesus would just roll his eyes, and pass on by, healing little children as he went.
For the most dangerous example of how so many Christians do not understand the real message of the Bible, or the Constitution, or the role of the president, or even have a minimal grasp of world history, one need look no further than Sarah Palin. To have a greater chance at being elected, John McCain pandered to the extreme and choose her as his running mate.
John McCain isn't dangerous because he's old or angry; he's dangerous because he put his own desire to be president above the good of the country. In fact, in his zeal to spend four years in the White House, he put the entire world at risk.
The challenges facing America's next president are more daunting than they ever have been (excepting maybe 1940, when Hitler had been marching across Europe unstopped for about 18 months). We're facing an unprecedented economic crisis, there's nuclear proliferation to worry about, we've got troops in Iraq and Afghanistan (and covert wars going on in other places), there's climate change, Russian belligerence, the rise of China, the deterioration of American schools. Energy policy has to overhauled. The infrastructure of the country threatens to collapse.
Who, then, should McCain choose to partner with him to run the country? A closed-minded, vindictive, uninformed, naval-gazing Christian who abhors abortions and homosexuals. Her prejudice is her qualification.
If America is to survive the way the framers of the Constitution intended, if the American church is to experience a true revival the likes of which Jesus had in mind, then American Christians absolutely must wake up and arm themselves with knowledge. They must equip themselves with reason.
Roger Williams, an early Puritan and one of the first champions of the idea of separation of church and state, once said that a conviction, no matter how "groundless, false, and deluded... is not by any arguments or torments easily removed."
But removed, in this case, it must be.
Christians, please: live your life with your heart, if that's your pleasure. Choose your vocation with your heart. Marry with your heart. Raise children with your heart. But when you go to the polls in two weeks to elect the president of the United States, vote with your head.
To do otherwise would be truly un-patriotic, truly un-Christian, and no amount of Jesus-fish bumper decals or "support our troops" stickers will ever make up for that.
It's Sunday morning. The cinnamon rolls are in the oven. The cat is asleep in my lap. The dogs are wrestling on the floor. And Amy just shouted, "Guys! C'mon! I am trying to watch Colin Powell endorse Obama here! Stop growling!"
"Sometimes I think about all the stuff I don't know, and I just get so upset with myself. I mean, think about how many hours of my childhood all the way up through college I spent playing basketball. It's all I did, all I knew. What if I'd just spent half of that time reading, researching, pondering the great mysteries of the world. From now on, I am going to thirst after knowledge to the exclusion of all else!"
"So, you wanna just read tonight?"
"What? No. Let's watch Girls Next Door."
Amy called me yesterday afternoon and was like, "Dude, Gossip Girl and Samantha Who? are all queued up! The food is here! Where are you?"
I said, "Um, I've found a stray dog."
No amount of bolding/italicizing/all-capsing/over-punctuating could simulate the way that she barked, "WHAT?!" at me.
I told her not to worry, that I wasn't going to bring it home. I was just waiting for animal control to come and get him so he didn't get smashed by a car.
She said, "Don't feed it, don't touch it, don't smile at it, don't look into its eyes."
Before I could argue with her, she hung up. But before she hung up, I heard her shout, "Dammit, Scout, you asshole, get back here with my underwear!"
Apparently, Scout is the last stray dog I'll ever be allowed ro make eye contact with.
Nala has been studying up on the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and especially the Bill of Rights.
She decided to watch the debate tonight, and choose a candidate based on everything that she's learned during her studies. She started in the middle, and agreed to keep an open mind.
Toward the end of the debate, it was obvious that she was leaning left. I think it was the part where John McCain said, "Oh, if you like England and Canada, you're gonna love Senator Obama."
Nala loves her some England and Canada.
I'm not sure I have ever been happier than when Jenn called me Monday night to say, "I am finished letting life happen to me. If I'm ever going to do anything worthwhile, I have got to make it happen, you know?"
When I asked her to clarify, she said, "I don't have time for it, but I am going to start watching Gossip Girl. Can you catch me up on everything that has happened on the show so far?"
Can I? I mean, that is kind of the job I was born for.
Let's talk about Monday's episode, shall we?
SPOILER ALERT!
Question: What is Chuck Bass wearing, ever?
Fact: The only straight relationship on this show worth watching is Lily and Rufus (who are perfect for each other in every possible way).
The gay relationships (Serena/Blair, Chuck/Nate, Nate/Dan, Dan/Chuck) are so much better than the pairings of the GG writers.
i.e.:
Chuck: We'll talk about this in the car.
Nate: [sniff] I think I'd rather take the train.
Dan: [to Nate] I'm not exactly proud of these boxers.
Blair: [re: Serena] I'm aware I lack some people's easy grace with strangers. I don't exactly make you feel like you've known me forever even though we just met. When I laugh, you might not smile just at the coquettish sound of it, and I may not be spontaneous or delightful or full of surprises, and my hair may not sparkle when it catches the light...
Oh, Blair.
Observation: Rufus asked Vanessa to bring over all of her homeschool supplies for Jenny, and she did, and it consisted of... two books. Awesome.
With every day that goes by, I am more deeply convinced that I should invest all of my time and resources into creating this virus. And it wouldn't just be for YouTube; it would be for the whole entire Internet.
Working from home and from my own office has made me soft. I had to be on my feet in heels for five hours last night, and today I feel like the victim of a foot-binding regimen.
I picked up a copy of Glamour magazine while I was in line at the grocery store today because my mistress Keira Knightley is on the cover, and Amy said she needed the picture to take to her colorist because she wants her hair to be that dark. What I forgot is that every time I bring home Glamour or Cosmo or whatever, Amy ends up needing to go out for brand new makeup at 9:00 at night. She is an advertisers' dream come true.
My dad and I went to the zoo today. Here are some giraffes and gorillas and a butterfly.
I'd tell you more about the zoo, but I have to go read Brisingr because Shari said if I don't finish soon she is going to ALL CAPS die. I don't want to shoulder the blame for that. She's responsible for half the goodness in the world. We need to keep her around.
Hello, former lover.
I had occasion to dig back through my old Yahoo! Mail account this week, and felt a little jolt in my heart when I noticed a folder there with your name on it. It was from that time we were sneaking around behind everyone's back and playing just friends. God, that was delicious stupid.
I have always blamed you entirely for the way our, erm, relationship unraveled, but reading those old emails made me realize that maybe I need to shoulder some of the blame. May I quote you? Okay:
this is tooooo funny!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!Please forgive me.!!??!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
SWEETTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my God, seriously? You are a bad puntuator. And I take full responsibility for tolerating it. That is my burden to bear in our past. All the douchebaggery, though, that still belongs to you.
XO,
Heather Anne
Amy is now calling the presidential election "the black spot" on my soul. Which is kind of sad, really, because I usually have such a bright little soul. So bright, in fact, that a magazine just offered me a column to write about how being nice is great for the world and also for yourself. Fortunately, my first deadline isn't until after the election. Maybe my soul will be clean by then.
Speaking of enmity and discord, I have gotten some of the nastiest emails and comments lately. A comic blog linked to me last week, and one guy there said he hoped a bomb would blow up on me. (A bomb!) It makes all the other rude things people say seem like kisses from puppies.
I picked up Brisngr finally. It took me three days to open it up. I sat it on my nightstand and scowled at it every time I walked past — not because I don't like the dragon rider stories, I do! But because people keep calling Christoper Paolini the next J.K. Rowling, and I don't think he deserves the comparison. I just didn't want to be disloyal, you know?
I'm not finished yet, so no spoilers, okay?
Gossip Girl is back, and holy smokes! it is better than ever. It's like you think you know, but then you have no idea. You know? And The Office is back, and Jim and Pam are the best TV couple ever in the world. Plus, this weekend I watched season one of Samantha Who? and now I am trying to watch season one of Pushing Daisies, because it is Kat's most favorite show.
Saturday, I asked Amy if she wanted to finish Samantha Who? or start a disc of Pushing Daisies and she said, "Samantha Who?, obviously. Geez, we never finish a whole season of anything."
And then she got on the phone and was chatting about whatever, and the whole time I was skulking around and when she got off, I was like, "That is a lie! It is hyperbole! What TV show haven't we finished? Maybe one! If you want to watch Samantha Who, that's fine, but don't lie about other TV shows just to try to prove your point!"
And that's when Amy called the election the black spot on my soul.
And now this post is full circle.
