Heather Anne

(Dear Family, please read no further.)

As you know by now, John McCain has chosen Alaskan governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. Here, take a look-see:

Now, I have read on more than one blog that Palin bears a small resemblance to Tina Fey. I do not see this, but perhaps those of you who haven't studied Tina Fey's face as closely as I have do see it. Doesn't matter. Point is, one time in a Gossip Girl recap, Jacob said this:

Of all the trends and decadence this show is supposedly spreading among the teens of this universe, my goodness, let that one stick. I firmly believe that at least seventy-five percent of the ills in this world link back to hatred and fear of the female body and sexuality, men and women both. Even though that bullshit starts in the cradle, it only gets hardwired in high school, so what better way to retrain teenage boys to respect the female body, than with that kind of positive reinforcement? If the infinite blowjobs of high school were replaced with infinite cunnilingus, I think the result would be Tina Fey automatically becoming our next President. Like within a week of the new rule, this would happen. Read Lysistrata! Tell your friends! Girls of the world, it is cool! Start demanding your right to oral sex, it is awesome!

You may be wondering what the hell these things (Gossip Girl, Tina Fey, John McCain. etc.) have in common. I cannot make that connection for you. You have to do it alone. But I can tell you there's only one sure fire way to make sure the real Tina Fey becomes the next president.

Happy Labor Day weekend!

Posted by Heather Anne at 04:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I think you'll agree that I rarely ever ask you for anything, Internets. But today, I am going to drop to my knees and plead with you to help make Abigail!'s dreams come true. She has entered an awesome contest to be Southwest Airline's blog-o-spondant, and she needs your vote. Watch her video below; then go vote for her here.

Seriously, you guys, don't be assholes. Go vote!

(I love you.)

Posted by Heather Anne at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

You will be as surprised to hear it as I am to say it, but here goes: Sunday on a long hike I fell into a hole and cracked my ankle in two places. One of my dogs took the opportunity to bolt into the woods. The other dog sat right beside me until Amy could drag me out of the trail. Which dog proved her loyalty in a time of mental anguish?

Uh huh: Satan's middle child.

Margaret ran for the hills.

Who's the asshole now? Not this one.

Posted by Heather Anne at 06:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I am standing third in a six-deep queue, waiting to pay five dollars for a strawberry-banana smoothie. In front of the ten-year-old girl in front of me is an off-duty smoothie-maker who is smarmily flirting with the only on-duty smoothie-maker in the whole shop.

"Do you remember what I like?" he asks.

She does not.

"Do you remember my employee number?" he asks.

She does not.

"Do you remember my name?" he asks.

She does not.

"Guess," he tells her.

"Guess what?" she asks.

"My name," he says.

She refuses.

"C'mon," he says. "Just try."

She shakes her head; he leans on the counter. "I'm not leaving until you remember my name."

Behind him, the ten-year-old girl says loudly, "If I tell you your name, will you leave?"

"How do you know my name?" he asks, whipping his head around.

"Because," the girl says, "Your mom has stitched it inside your underwear and it's hanging out of the back of your pants."

Within moments I am paying for that child's smoothie. She likes the Berry Bada Bing: peaches, raspberries, bananas, yogurt, and one crucial shot of booster blast.

Posted by Heather Anne at 09:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Amy — being her father's daughter in every possible way — refused to replace our lightning-addled television until she'd researched all the televisions in all the world. We (finally) ended up with a beast of a thing, and while Amy and I have both enjoyed it so far, it is nothing to the shear ecstasy our new TV has brought to Nala.

Posted by Heather Anne at 09:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Posted by Heather Anne at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

No matter how old I get, no matter how many times I've read it, I never stop being disappointed when I have to put down Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and get back to the real world.

Posted by Heather Anne at 08:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Amy has this song she sings to Margaret, a throwback tune to Vacation Bible School with some words she penned herself. The song starts with Amy asking if Margaret has read her Bible today, and has she heard what God has to say. It tells how Margaret descended from the right hand of God to bring great tidings of peace and joy into the world, and how we, as sinners, can look upon her face and know that despite our wretched state, God loves us, and Margaret is the proof.

The song usually finishes with a giant crescendo, but last night when Amy got to the end, she just kept on singing, adding in some verses about Scout.

The origin and purpose of the two dogs is quite different, according to Amy's gospel. Where Margaret was placed gently upon the earth by God's two best angels, Scout was coughed up from the belly of hell just outside Detroit. Where Margaret's purpose is to bring healing and comfort into the world, Scout's destiny is to inflict plagues and natural disasters. Where Margaret is God's favorite niece, Scout is Satan's middle child.

"Doom! Doom and destruction!" Amy sang last night, as Margaret's tail whomped the floor, and Scout squinted gaily against the chorus. "You're foul and you eat your own poop!"

The song went on for ages, an epic story of love and betrayel and half-eaten socks. Finally, unable to sit silently through such ecstasy, Scout rose to her hind legs and began howling.

Over the hymn, I heard our next-door-neighbor, George, shut off his lawnmower. Almost immediately there was a knock at the door.

"Are you okay?" he asked, as I walked onto the porch and shut the door behind me.

"Yes," I said. "Really, I'm sorry."

"What in the world's going on in there?"

I looked over my shoulder into the living room where Margaret was conducting, Scout was preening, and Amy was bellowing. "I'm not really certain," I said with a shrug. "But I kind of think they're having church."

Posted by Heather Anne at 02:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

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Posted by Heather Anne at 06:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I'm invoking it right now.

Posted by Heather Anne at 05:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Look at my pets. Aren't they cute? I'm never going to be able to finish the 25 recap challenge. It's too much. I'm halfway to carpal tunnel as it is. I bow out. I lose. Oh, my goodness, aren't my snuggling animals the sweetest thing?

Posted by Heather Anne at 10:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The only indestructible toy we have found for Scout to play with is my nephew, Hogan Camden. They should sell toddlers at PetSmart.

Posted by Heather Anne at 01:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

1) You have voted to allow public prayer in school during the War on Terror, which, as a follower of Jesus, is a position I obviously support. My question is: how can we be sure that the teachers who are leading our children in prayer really are Christians? We could create school rules that allow only Christian teachers pray, but does that mean some "well-meaning" Jew or Muslim will not slip in and "accidentally" teach my child to pray to the wrong God? Why not employ only Christian teachers? Or, perhaps we could tag the non-Christian teachers with some outward symbol of their "faith." That way I could say to my children, "Never let one of those women with the gold stars sewn onto their clothes lead you in prayer."

2) You have repeatedly voted down any legislation that would offer equal rights to homosexuals. Again: good choice. Your argument comes from the 18th chapter of the book of Leviticus, where God calls homosexuality an abomination. I couldn't agree with you more: A 7,000 year old text that contains regulations on the slave trade is the perfect place to look for guidance when it comes to human rights. I am sure that the rules God made for a select group of people in the book of Leviticus are the same rules he literally intended his followers to live by forever. In fact, I think we should legislate more of the book of Leviticus; why should we stop with the gay thing? If my mom sits on furniture during her menstrual cycle, let's throw rocks at her. If my dad wears clothes made of both cotton and linen, let's jail him. If my grandpa plants a field with both corn and tomatoes, let's have him beaten. If anyone touches a ham, let's kill that guy too. We have protected our families from the gays, now how can we protect them from poly-fiber?

3) Your other argument against homosexuality comes from the New Testament, and I am glad you mentioned it in an interview, so I could know where you stand. The Greek word that is translated "homosexual" in modern Bibles has been translated to mean different things in the past. The early church translated it "soft morals." During Martin Luther's time it was translated as "masturbation." Since we can't be exactly sure what the word means, we should probably outlaw everything it could mean. What kind of legislation would you like to pass that will eliminate soft morals and masturbation?

4) Over the last 4 years, I have sent 31 letters to your office, each time asking for a response about your stance on a specific bill, or a promise to support basic human rights legislation, like the kind that would prevent a child from being sold into the sex trade. I sent the first 30 letters via Registered Mail, and I diligently tracked them via the USPS until they were delivered and signed for in your office. Unfortunately, I never received a response from you. The 31st letter I sent simply said, "I would like to donate to your campaign," and even though I forgot to include a return address, I received a donation form in the mail within 48 hours! Within the week, I also received donation forms from both of my Republican Senators and my State House Representative. I'm sure the lack of response from the first 30 letters was just a clerical oversight. What can you do to prevent this in your next term?

5) Our district is one of the richest in the state, thanks in large part to the poultry industry, which is staffed primarily by Mexican immigrants. You have consistently voted against legislation that would help the current immigrant population with education and healthcare. Do you fear a backlash during the forthcoming election? What can we do to make sure the majority voice at the polls is the voice of wealthy white people, as it should be?

Posted by Heather Anne at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (25) | TrackBacks (1)

OK, kids, that's all the free books spoken for. I'll be mailing them out on Friday during my regular post office run.

Here are a couple more treasures from the recently cleaned-up Photobucket.

I have no idea why I scanned this:

I do, however, know why I scanned this. SUPER ABSORBENCY!

A random chart, no longer accurate:

Abigail's explanation of The Girls Next Door:

Margaret:

Sirius Black jack-o-lantern. My neighbors thought it was Jesus:

Slang flashcards from Heather Nicole and Abs:

Pre-Scout:

Valentine's Day wishes from Amy and Dean and Andi and Candice:

King's Cross Station!

Jenn and I, the day we left for our first UK trip:

Amy and I at her first elementary school dance:

Photobucket clean. Bookshelf clean(er). Good talk.

Posted by Heather Anne at 04:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Now that we're replacing everything in our house due to lightning (no, I can't stop bitching about it), Amy has decided we should redo our library. To get the chair that I really want, I have to give away all of the books I am never going to read again, plus also my duplicate books — because, as Amy tells it, a person doesn't need four entire sets of Harry Potter books. (Also, I always buy double copies of my favorite classics. It's a condition, probably medical.)

So, here's the deal, Sparky: This is a Flickr set of books that I am giving away. You can claim them in the comments here, or at Flickr, or just email me. I'll make a master list below that I will strike through as y'all claim your books. I'll start mailing the books on Fridays until they're all gone. (Then I'll probably do another round of giveaways.) You can claim as many books as you like. If you want to PayPal me a couple of bucks for shipping, that would be cool, but if you don't, that's fine too.

A lot of these books are written-in and dog-eared, so if you like your books to feel brand new, these probably aren't for you.

The Secret Garden , Frances Hodgson Burnett

A whole set of Judy Blume books

A Separate Peace, John Knowles

Choosing Civility, P.M. Forni (If you're from the South, you don't need this book.)

The Devil Wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger

Charlotte's Web, E.B. White

The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown

East of the Mountains, David Guterson

Baby-Sitters Club Duo, by who knows what ghost writer

The Survivor: Bill Clinton in the White House, John F. Harris

At Home in Mitford, Jan Karon

The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning (You'll probs only like this if you've got a bit of Christian tolerance. It's a good book.)

Breathing Lessons, Anne Tyler

The Greatest Generation, Tom Brokaw

From Enemy to Friend: A North Vietnamese Perspective on the War, Bui Tin

Just So Stories, Rudyard Kipling

The Sacred Willow: Four Generations in the Life of a Vietnamese Family, Walter Isaacson

To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte

Gossip Girl Books! Set of three!

The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing, Melissa Bank

Life of Pi, Yann Martel

Bridge to Terebithia, Katherine Paterson

The Eye of the World, Robert Jordan

The Heart of a Woman, Maya Angelou

The Boy in Striped Pajamas, John Boyne (Not a kid's book!)

Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, J.K. Rowling

War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy

All the King's Men, Robert Penn Warren

Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

The Pillars of the Earth, Ken Follett

Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury

Oh! And I have dozens of theology books. I only want to keep a couple of them, so if that's your thing, email me. I'll tell you what I've got.

Posted by Heather Anne at 08:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Ashley has been catching hell at the Collective today because she still uses AOL mail. When I was berating her I remembered that I need to clean out my Photobucket on account of I made a full transition to Flickr a long time ago. I am finding some gems in that bucket, I'm tellin' ya. Here are some practice runs I did when I was considering participating in Hourly Comic Day two years ago.

Posted by Heather Anne at 03:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Why this episode made the list: Before SpongeBob was over-merchandised, he was just this enchanting, endearing little sea sponge who had the cleverest cartoon Nickelodeon had ever produced. This episode is the debut of the land squirrel Sandy Cheeks. It has some of the most hilarious dialogue. And no matter how many times I watch it, I always laugh out loud.

Teeny-cap

While out jellyfishing in the jellyfish fields, SpongeBob meets a land squirrel named Sandy. (She's from Texas, but you don't know that yet. All you know is that she's got one heck of an accent.) When Sandy tells SpongeBob that her helmet is full of air, he tries to impress her by bragging about how much he loves air. She's surprised, but invites him over to her tree dome for tea and cookies.

SpongeBob runs to Patrick for some advice about air, but Patrick thinks SpongeBob means "putting on airs" so he gives him some tips about how to be fancy. Patrick accompanies SpongeBob to Sandy's tree dome, just to make sure he doesn't embarrass himself. Inside the tree dome, SpongeBob starts shriveling up because there's no water, but he refuses to tell Sandy because he wants to make a good impression.

Finally, wheezing and shriveled, he makes a break for it, but Patrick runs inside to stop him, telling him he's just being shy. Within minutes Sandy finds them dried up on the grass. She gives them helmets filled with water, and adds some sweet tea, because that's what Texans do.

Words + Pictures

Sandy: I like you, SpongBob. Why, we could be tighter than bark on a tree.

SpongeBob: Uh, I like you too, Sandy. Say, what’s that thing on your head.

Sandy: Why, that’s my air helmet.

SpongeBob: May I try it on?

Sandy: Heck no. I need it to breath. I’ve gotta have my air.

SpongeBob: Me too. I love air. Air is good.

Sandy: No kiddin’?

SpongeBob: Why, air’s my middle name. The more air the better! Can’t get enough of that air.

Sandy: Sheeyoot! How ‘bout comin’ over tomorrow for tea and cookies then?

SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! PATRICK! What’s air?

Patrick: Huh?

SpongeBob: I just met this girl. She wears a hat full of… air.

Patrick: Do you mean she puts on airs?

SpongeBob: I guess so.

Patrick: That’s just fancy talk. If you want to be fancy, hold your pinky up like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are.

SpongeBob: Like this?

Patrick: Higher!

SpongeBob: This?

Patrick: Higher! Now, that’s fancy! They should call you SpongeBob FancyPants!

SpongeBob: [gasping for breath] Sandy, something's gone terribly wrong. There's no water in here.

Sandy:: Course there's no water. Nothing but air. This air is the driest, purest, most airest air in the whole sea.

Patrick: [banging on the glass to get SpongeBob's attention] “Pinky! Piiiinky!”

SpongeBob: [wheezing] I don't need water. Water's for quitters.

SpongeBob: I’m a quitter!

Patrick: You can’t leave now, you’ll blow it.

SpongeBob: Air is not good, Patrick. Air is not! good!

Patrick: What kind of place is this?! There's no water!

Sandy: If y'all wanted water, you should've asked!

Looking for better recaps? Check Ashley Awesome.

Posted by Heather Anne at 09:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)