Heather Anne

When my sister got pregnant she promised — swore, in fact, on the margarita glasses from which she could not sip — that she was not going to be one of those parents. None of that rearranging family get-togethers around the baby's nap time, no altering traditional family menus to accommodate the baby's taste buds, no tiptoeing around because the baby was asleep: no sir, not my sister. Then Hogan was born, and it turned out she was a filthy liar.

My laugh was too loud, I had to hush because Hogan was asleep. When is the birthday party? We'll have to see what time Hogan is scheduled for a nap that day. What's for dinner? Gosh, I don't know. Everyone likes applesauce and green peas, right?

Oh, I was furious. Want to lose your autonomy, I was heard to say on more than one occasion. Well then, why don't you just go ahead and have a baby.

If it had been ten minutes earlier, I wouldn't have needed the flashlight.

If she was color blind, the way dogs are supposed to be, she would have just chewed on the blue Kong — the one that was lovingly sent to her all the way from the midwest. But no, Scout wanted her red Kong, not the medium-sized red one specifically designed for Beagle jaws, but the huge red Kong because it holds the most peanut butter.

She took it outside when she went to the bathroom, because she refuses to go outside without a toy in her mouth. She forgets the toys once there are grasshoppers to chase; our yard is littered with plastic squeaky chew things.

The walk is from 8:00 to 9:00 p.m. The half hour after that is crucial: if she sleeps at all, it messes up her circadian rhythm and you can forget about getting in the bed before 1:00 a.m.

The red Kong keeps her awake for one half hour. Bed time is 9:30 on the dot.

From: Heather Hogan
Subject: Homeless Pets
To: Family

Amy and I are going to the UK for the New Year and we need to shove our pets onto three of you. Margaret is easiest, of course. Nala is also a snap. Scout is a terror, and you would be a fool to accept the challenge.

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From: Jenn the Sister
Subject: Re: Homeless Pets
To: Heather Hogan

I'll take Scout.

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From: Heather Hogan
Subject: Re: Homeless Pets
To: Jenn the Sister

Are you serious?

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From: Jenn the Sister
Subject: Re: Homeless Pets
To: Heather Hogan

Duh, it's what sisters do. Besides, I have a toddler; I think I can handle a Beagle.

"Amy," I said last night. "Could you please turn down the volume on the Nintendo DS. You're five seconds away from waking up the baby."