Heather Anne

DAY ONE

8:45 a.m.: Open up blank Firefox tabs to get browser set up for the day. Left to right: Google Reader, Gmail, Washington Post. Think of opening a fourth tab for TwoP Forums. Decide to get work done instead of debating pros and cons of a Bette/Tina reconciliation on The L Word.

8:46 a.m. Feel conflicted about Marlee Matlin because I like her, but not when she was keeping Donna and Josh apart on West Wing, and not when she's keeping Bette and Tina apart on The L Word. Decide for the hundredth time to stop watching poorly-written television.

8:47 a.m. Notice bookmark button for heatherannehogan.com. Remember I haven't blogged in weeks. Make note to talk to Abigail about blog revitalization plan as first order of Monday business.

11:00 a.m.: Wonder why Abigail hasn't logged onto G-chat. Maybe she still has death cold and is sleeping in.

12:30 p.m.: Am pissed at Abigail for letting my blog die.

1:00 p.m.: Don't understand why it is so quiet. No Kat. No Jennie. No updates to Google Reader. The Internet must be broken.

1:05 p.m. Remember it is MLK, and I am the only one of my friends who has to work. During self-imposed moment of silence for Dr. King, I remember there is no new Gossip Girl this week, which means no recap from Jacob. Contemplate violence. Redo moment of silence.

5:26 p.m. Stick Post-It note to computer monitor: Talk to Abigail tomorrow about resurrecting blog.

6:40 p.m. Check snail mail at home. No new disc of Coupling . Curse Blockbuster. Curse Postal Service. Remember, again, that it is MLK. Curse National Holidays.

7:00 p.m. Amy has cooked spaghetti and the new DSL router has come from AT&T. Internet will be restored to my house on the morrow. Watch Ocean's 13 with best friend while eating best meal. We both note that George Clooney looks better in a tux than any man alive. Also note that Brad Pitt is sexy in Ocean's movies, but still a whore for leaving Jennifer Aniston.

9:00 p.m. Tell Amy I need to blog. We decide to watch the Friends Pilot instead. Laugh at Joey's hair and boots. Decide Phoebe was always our favorite character. Note how pretty Rachel Green was, even then, before she had iconic hair. Hate on Brad Pitt some more.

9:26 p.m. Decide to start Crime and Punishment.

9:28 p.m. Run bubble bath and read Gossip Girl.

11:00 p.m. Fall asleep reading Gossip Girl. Dream that Blair and Serena fall in love, but Marlee Matlin breaks them up.

DAY TWO:

8:45 a.m.: Open up blank Firefox. Think, again, of adding fourth tab to the mix for TwoP Forums. Decide to read blogs instead of wanking about L Word.

8:50 a.m. Read on No Pasa Nada that Heather B. is watching The L Word. Engage in a morning-long e-mail exchange about show with Heather. Determine that Jodi and Bette are doomed, and that Helena is very pretty.

10:00 a.m. Think about blogging. Decide to do work instead.

10:05 a.m. Catch up on New York Magazine's Daily Intelligencer blog.

12:00 p.m. Decide to skip lunch to blog.

12:05 p.m. Call friend to meet me at Mexican restaurant.

2:30 p.m. Tear apart desk looking for Post-It note that has technical support number for AT&T. Am going to need it tonight to install new DSL router. Come across note to ask Abigail about resurrecting my blog.

4:38 p.m. Mention to Abigail that this is our first week without TWoP Jacob. Abigail says, "I still have him." I say, "I'm sorry. You have him?" Abigail chat giggles (Hehe.) I decide she's lying. Don't chat her for 11 minutes just in case I am mistaken.

7:00 p.m. Start installing DSL router.

9:00 p.m. Curse and swear and kick things. I look all around for that damn Post-It note with the tech help phone number. I can't find it anywhere, but I remember I was supposed to talk to Abigail about my blog. Try to decide again if she's holding out on me about Jacob. Swear some more.

9:02 p.m. Amy discovers the tech help phone number is on the DSL packing slip.

9:03 p.m. Call AT&T tech help. Receive no help. Hang up.

9:04 p.m. Call AT&T Tech help again. The woman who answers does the thing the woman I just spoke to said she couldn't do.

10:00 p.m. Send out text message: "DSL is my bitch, yo." Decide to take a bubble bath and start Crime and Punishment.

10:05 p.m. In bed with my stuffed dog Ollie, reading Gossip Girl.

11:16 p.m. Make mental note to BLOG TOMORROW.

DAY THREE

9:30 a.m. Doctor's appointment. Free USA Today is available at doctor's office. Feel superior for getting my news from Washington Post and New York Times but read USA Today anyway. No telling what kind of germs are on the stale doctor's office magazines.

9:42 a.m. Notice a Highlights magazine on the table. Have the urge to read Goofus and Gallant. Ask receptionist for a pair of latex gloves, in manner of Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets.

9:45 a.m. Read Highlights with latex gloves so as not to catch germs.

10:00 a.m. Weigh in at doctor. Really decide to lose holiday ten pounds.

10:30 a.m. Have some bacon and eggs for a late breakfast, but will have oatmeal tomorrow. Swear.

12:30 p.m. My office is in code red panic mode when I arrive.

3:45 p.m. Chat Abigail about blog. End up discussing whether or not being a pilot makes a person cocky or hot. Abigail says hot. I say cocky. Jennie says both. Whatever.

5:26 p.m. Make a note in Outlook to blog tomorrow, no matter what.

6:30 p.m. Check mailbox at home. Still no Coupling. Dammit!

6:40 p.m. Log into Blockbuster queue. It's empty. Realize I probably shouldn't have deleted all those "Your queue needs attention" emails from Blockbuster. Put Coupling back in. Send email to self: Write on your blog, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.

6:41 p.m. Delete email. Positive self-talk is the way forward, not self-loathing emails.

7:00 p.m. Little League practice. Favorite player tells me she broke up with her boyfriend because I told her to. She tells me he cried. I tell her he's eleven; he'll get over it. Amy glares at me.

10:07 p.m. Fall asleep blogging. Lose all data.

DAY FOUR

8:30 a.m. Show up at the office with donuts. Am hero.

9:00 a.m. Peruse Google Reader. Wish there were a hundred LOL Cats per day.

9:30 a.m. Try to blog. Only thing I can come up with is how PBS' Masterpiece Theater is airing The Complete Jane Austen on Sunday nights. Decide not to write about it because this week is Mansfield Park and the protagonist of Fannie Price is everything Elizabeth Bennet is not. Bleh.

12:15 p.m. Chat Abigail and tell her we need a blog plan STAT. She agrees.

12:16 p.m. Read the 2008 Presidential candidate profiles on The Onion. Bite down on knuckles to keep from laughing so hard that I get fired. Email link to dad.

12:40 p.m. Get into political debate with someone on television forum. Get instructed by moderator to take it off-board. Am ashamed. I never break forum rules. Lash myself with blue pen.

12:42 p.m. Send flirty email to office supply guy. Get new box of blue pens for free.

1:30 p.m.Try to blog.

1:36 p.m. Edit Gossip Girl entry on Wikipedia because it sounds like it was written by a drunk Jenny Humphry.

2:30 p.m. Try to blog.

2:30:07 p.m. Fail.

2:30:15 p.m. Wipe tears from eyes. Give up dream of ever being published.

3:15 p.m. Change Firefox skin to AeroFox. New theme. New me. Me without the dream of being a writer. The new theme is shocking black, like my future.

4:43 p.m. Chat from Abigail: Now we need to talk about how to save our blogs. I tell her I have to go to a little league game, which I do. I don't have the heart to tell her my blog is doomed.

5:50 p.m. Little league game.

6:45 p.m. Console little leaguers on another loss. Tell them there is no practice tomorrow night. They interrogate me as to why, and one of the parents suggests I have a date. The girls "oooooh" at me. I let them think it's true.

7:00 p.m. Amy and I eat Chinese and talk about how we're going to use The GW 600 for plane tickets out of the country. Amy asks if I wrote anything today. I tell her no. She smiles encouragingly and says she saved the local newspapers so she can show me I'm a better writer than an old old basketball nemesis who writes for the sports section. I decide maybe my blog isn't a total loss afterall. My best friend and sister will still read it.

10:15 p.m. Fall asleep reading Writer's Digest. Have decided to implement a new plan: get up an hour early to blog.

DAY FIVE

5:45 a.m.: Alarm goes off.

7:15 a.m. Wake up and get out of bed.

11:00 a.m. Decide to write something, anything, for my blog.

11:30 a.m. Post.