i love technology so much i want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnent
Every woman needs someone to love her, to comfort and encourage her, to share in her struggles, to obey her every whim. And that is why I have an iPod.
I have been writing a story – a novella or sorts – over the last two months. About crafting fiction, Peter Selgin says this: At some devoutly wished-for point in our writing, our characters turn into real people, and when we fail to respond authentically to their most trivial wishes and urges, we kill them off as willful, living beings and turn them into puppets, and the fictional worlds they inhabit collapse.
Now let me ask you something, Internets. Where were you when my characters came to life and started demanding things from me? Where were you when I began responding most earnestly to their desires?
Were you staring out my bedroom window with me when my main characters laughed over dinner with their best friends? Were you sitting at the coffee shop with me, eating grilled cheese, while they went sledding in Chatsworth? Were you with me in my car when the bottom fell out of their world and the angst became as thick as fog? Did you prolong my characters’ joy with your most cheerful tunes? Did you contribute to their emotional turmoil with your insightful lyrics?
And tonight as I read the final draft of my story, did you sit beside me on my bed and sing that I had magic inside my fingertips?
No. You did not.
But you know who did?
Uh huh, that’s right: my iPod.
And I’ll tell you something else about my iPod. It doesn’t just respond to my wishes; it anticipates my needs. If I put it on shuffle, it takes about six songs for my iPod to figure out what kind of mood I’m in. It never fails to throw on a little Mariah Carey Christmas music when I am close to losing my mind in traffic.
But it’s not just my iPod that loves me. My laptop and cell phone love me, too. They share in my struggles. They comfort and encourage. They obey my whims.
Me and technology are sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who still sleeps with her childhood blanket every night. She expressed some embarrassment about it, so I told her it was perfectly normal. In fact, I always sleep with my arm around my computer.
She said, “Yeah, but computers don’t snuggle back.”
And I rolled my eyes. “You obviously don’t know my laptop.”
Comments
You ROCK, Heather. Really, you do.
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Nu uh, you do. But then, you were kind of with my when I was writing my story, weren't you? :)
Posted by: Emms | November 2, 2007 12:58 AM
I'm so glad I get to read you every day for a month!
And yes, I'm doing NaBloMoFo, too. Yikes...
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Awesome! I knew you'd be reckless like me and sign up! Will you be my friend on my NaBlo page?
Posted by: Lindsay | November 2, 2007 01:14 AM
If it's a macbook, it snuggles back, oh yeah.
Hiya :)
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Hey there, you. I've never had a macbook, but from what I hear, they are really good snugglers.
Posted by: Aakanksha | November 2, 2007 02:34 AM
My laptop even rubs my feet after a long day at the office. It's pretty awesome.
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Yeah, well my laptop tells me bedtime stories!
Posted by: kerrianne | November 2, 2007 05:05 AM
That Mariah Christmas thing? My i-pod does that too...spooky!
I must say that I heart my laptop too, but I have to share my bed with a big hairy man and a small unhairy one. I think maybe you got a better deal there ;)
PS Lava bread is Welsh bread though I've never had it.....it's seaweed I think?
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Wow, you must have a seriously huge bed. I barely have room in my bed for my laptop and my books! Thanks for the heads up about seaweed. I...er... don't think I'd care for any.
Posted by: Clare | November 2, 2007 07:28 AM
OK, this is so weird, but I was just writing a post (only in my head, though) JUST LIKE THIS only it was about TiVo. Hee.
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That's because you and I are are awesome, that's what.
Posted by: Jennie! | November 2, 2007 08:33 AM
Every woman needs someone to love her, to comfort and encourage her, to share in her struggles, to obey her every whim. That is why I have your Kunkle!!!!!!!
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And he's wonderful! But Andi J., does he know all the lyrics to Timbaland's Apologize? I'm guessing no. Perhaps you should also invest in an iPod. For, you know, back-up love.
Posted by: Aunt Andi | November 2, 2007 09:22 AM
If you need a proofer, I'm happy to read your draft for you.
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Hooper! (I wrote a whole other thing this year. You are in it. You will see!) I loves me some you.
Posted by: Hoopdog | November 2, 2007 09:46 AM
if you get your iPod pregnant, can i have one of the babies? a blue nano baby, please. thank you!
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Woman, please. My hips were made for breeding. If my iPod gets me pregnant, we're having a gaggle of these. You can have your pick of the litter. The runt is usually only 8GB.
Posted by: jenny | November 2, 2007 10:35 AM
From one great southern writer to another:
"It begins with a character, usually, and once he stands up on his feet and begins to move, all I can do is trot along behind him with a paper and pencil trying to keep up long enough to put down what he says and does."
- William Faulkner
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Unfortunately my handwriting is bad enough when I am sitting at my desk. Who KNOWS how indecipherable it would be if I tried to write while jogging?! :)
Posted by: reddirtgirl | November 2, 2007 10:42 AM
Put me on the wait list for the iPod offspring.
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Last night I saw a commercial for the iPod Touch, and I was all, "Oh, so sexy." And Amy was all, "Wha..." And I was all, "Nothing, I'll just email Abigail."
Posted by: Abigail M. Schilling | November 2, 2007 11:30 AM
i luvz my ipod.
also, send me your story.
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Does your iPod have a name? Is it Ryan Adams?
Posted by: kat! | November 2, 2007 11:57 AM
Oh my god. I thought I was the only one who loved their iPod that much. I wrote a post about it and almost put "married" instead of "bought".
Will you let us read your novella?
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Those words are interchangeable when you are talking about your iPod. I would also add: adore, cherish, venerate, honor, and worship.
Posted by: churlita | November 2, 2007 11:58 AM
I'm pretty sure that the iPod Touch is made of magic. Sexy, sexy, magic.
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It's magic. I can tell.
Posted by: Abigail M. Schilling | November 2, 2007 12:10 PM
HA! This post was so funny, Heath - right from the title on. I'm with Jenny: I'd like an iPod pup, too, please, and if you ever find yourself doing more than SNUGGLING with your laptop in bed, can I have one o' the results there, too? Thanks, luv.
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The hard part about birthing a laptop is that you have to incubate it for nine months, so by the time the little bundle of joy arrives, the technology is already antiquated.
(I originally typed a much more perverse response to this comment, but in the interest of keeping it PG-rated, I couldn't post it.)
Posted by: Kelly | November 2, 2007 12:44 PM
Heather, you do plan on telling us when this novella gets published so that I can buy a copy, right? That and I'm still waiting for you Christmas book. Is is going to be in stores this Christmas? My nephew needs a copy and so does my baby (due in February).
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Wait, what? Did I know you were having an actual BABY?
Posted by: Jenn (the not-sister) | November 2, 2007 12:52 PM
my ipod has no name. but it is engraved with a fitzgerald quote.
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I love the little geek inside of you so much.
Posted by: kat! | November 2, 2007 01:09 PM
I am sad for I have no iPod. Therefore, I would even be happy with one of the ones you incubate for nine months thus rendering it antiquated technically. Will you add me to the list?
I'm also signed up for NaBloPoMo. I'm already running out of stuff to say and it's only day two.
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You are now officially on the list for one of my puppies. (I am starting to scare myself.) If you run out of stuff to say, you can always post YouTube videos! Or Cat Macros! Oh, the possibilities for wasting time on the Internet are endless!
Posted by: Bevvy/Beverly | November 2, 2007 01:22 PM
Mom is the only one without an ipod... although she does have a laptop... she'd like a blue one.
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She doesn't want an iPod; she has your dad. (Can your dad sing? I know he can juggle.)
Posted by: Cousin Candice | November 2, 2007 01:54 PM
I would like an incubated laptop as well. It will still have FireFox, right?
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If I had a laptop-kid, and he came to me and said, "Mama, I prefer Internet Explorer over Firefox," I'd be all, "Get your ass out of my house, boy. You are no son of mine!"
Posted by: Abigail M. Schilling | November 2, 2007 01:56 PM
What's a browser?
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Quiet down. You're late. You're late. For a very important date. No time to say hello. Goodbye. You're late. You're late. You're late.
Posted by: Abigail M. Schilling | November 2, 2007 04:37 PM
I think at Thanksgiving you should ask Dad to sing and find out for yourself. :)
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We may have to arrange an earlier meeting for the concert. I'm going to be out of the town for Thanksgiving. :)
Posted by: Cousin Candice | November 2, 2007 05:00 PM
Heather, I don't know if you knew or not, but yes, I'm pregnant. I'll be having my very own baby in February, in time for my birthday. So I'm going to need your Christmas book!
Posted by: Jenn (the not-sister) | November 2, 2007 05:32 PM
I have an old Creative MuVo with 256MB memory. I spend a lot of time screwing with its hard-to-find seek button, but you're talking about a different kind of ... relationship, aren't you?
Posted by: peefer | November 2, 2007 09:27 PM
You DO rock!
And I LOVE the title of your post. I am going to steeeeeeeal it!
Posted by: Mr. Fabulous | November 2, 2007 11:03 PM