you promise me heaven then put me through hell
If a week ago you’d asked, “Hey, Heather Anne, what’s the worst thing that can happen to a person?” I would have answered, “Thank you for asking; the answer is bear attack.” Or, “Being shot through the heart.” Or, “Having to choose between Ugly Betty and 30 Rock on Thursday nights.”
But I realize now that being mauled by a giant grizzly bear is a diminutive tragedy compared to the actual worst thing in the world. And that thing is called dropping an entire jar of marshmallow cream from the top of the pantry onto your bare big toe.
It happened to me this weekend, the marshmallow thing. One minute I was reaching for Cheerios, the next there was a loud crash, and my foot was in five kinds of anguish.
You know how when wild animals are dying, they run through the forest howling and bouncing off trees? That’s sort of what it was like, only I have a better vocabulary than, say, a deer. So I was able to ricochet off the walls and scream swear words.
In less than an hour, my toe was swollen and black, and my foot was unwalkable. Even now, five days later, it hurts to wear shoes.
Amy and I made the amateur decision to go grocery shopping on Sunday evening. It was seriously stupid, because Sunday night is when the mouth-breathers come out and let their kids slam into people with shopping carts. At one point a five-year old came hurtling toward me with his cart, and I picked my hurt foot up and shrieked, hopping away and slamming into a display of Entenmann’s Fine Desserts. “Apologize!” I shouted at the little boy. “Apologize, apologize!”
Amy helped me up, and restacked the donuts on the shelf. “Coming here was a mistake,” she said.
On the beverage aisle, as Amy was loading water onto the cart, I had a post-traumatic break down. “Amy,” I demanded. “What are you thinking of? Right now! What are you thinking!”
Amy calmly said she was thinking about whether or not to have spaghetti for dinner.
“NO!” I shouted. “WRONG! YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT MY TOE!”
“Your toe?”
“YES! If it is not in the forefront of your mind you are going to run over it with the cart! Or drop water on it! Why do you hate my foot?! WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?!”
Amy apologized and said we should go. Like right that very minute.
I am going to lose my toenail for sure; it’s only a matter of time. I just feel really lucky that I was able to save my foot. It was touch and go there for a while. And I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to eat Rice Krispie treats again.
Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Marshmallow Cream, you give love a bad name.
Comments
Heather Anne, I know how your whole foot must feel. Years ago, when Charles and I were still dating, he accidentally dropped a metal bed frame on my right Big Toe. It was very dramatic and painful and I had to wear a huge bandage (due to all the blood) for awhile. It looked like a turban. That's how I came to have a Turban Toe. True story. I'm sorry about your own Turban Toe and hope it feels better soon.
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Jenn! I do thank you for making Proper Nouns out of my troubles. It validates me. Also, I am sorry about your Turban Toe. Also, I am glad to see you. Hi. :)
Posted by: Jenn (the not-sister) | October 2, 2007 10:37 AM
QUESTION: What kind of bear is best?
PS: Sorry about your toe. True story, I typed "tow" instead of "toe" at first. WOW.
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"That's a ridiculous question."
"False. Black bear."
Damn the man for not letting you watch YouTube at work.
Posted by: Jennie! | October 2, 2007 11:07 AM
this very thing happened to me not too long ago, but with 40 oz. of malt liquor instead of marshmallow cream. (and this is the difference between you and me ;) )
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Actually the difference between you and me is that when you wear The Patrick Watch you own it. On me? It is just ironic.
Posted by: kat! | October 2, 2007 11:08 AM
I'm sorry to hear about your toe. Did you go to the doctor?
Don't take this personally, but Amy is a saint...Even if she doesn't think about your toe as much as she should.
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I didn't go to the doctor, but I did diagnose myself (with Avian Bird Flu) on WebMD. And if Amy was really a saint, how come she put the marshmallow cream on the top shelf?!
Posted by: churlita | October 2, 2007 11:17 AM
So glad you're back!
I injured my toe by knocking over a can of shaving cream on it in the shower. (Why couldn't it have been something more exciting than shaving cream? Something like Marshmallow Cream for instance.) It happened back around April and my toe still hurts when I walk. I hate to tell you that my toe has hurt for 6 months but it has. I hope your toe feels better much more quickly.
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6 MONTHS! Who knew toes were so prone to injury? I hope your toe feels better. I am going to start showering in shoes.
Posted by: Bevvy/Beverly | October 2, 2007 11:30 AM
Hmmm... I still think choosing between Ugly Betty and 30 Rock is pretty bad, though. Which one will I tape?
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Well, the good news is you can watch both online at abc.com and nbc.com, respectively! (I think I will watch Ugly Betty on Thursdays and 30 Rock on Fridays online.) (You?)
Posted by: srah | October 2, 2007 11:37 AM
Damn you. Now I have to watch The Office. How many seasons behind am I?
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Why watch it when I can spoil the ending for you? (The answer is 3. It is well worth the investment of your time.)
Posted by: peefer | October 2, 2007 01:09 PM
I think this is the first time since I realized that marshmallows are not a vegetarian friendly food that I am glad I don't eat them. That bites!
Oh, and welcome back to blogging. You made my boyfriend's day, he fell in love with your blog the day before you went on hiatus.
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How come marshmallows are not vegetarian friendly? And hello to you and your boyfriend. :)
Posted by: Noelle | October 2, 2007 01:38 PM
Please don't take this out on all marshmallow creams. They're not bad carbs, but sometimes they make bad decisions.
Hope the toe heals fast!
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Oh, I never met a carb I didn't like.
Posted by: jenny | October 2, 2007 01:48 PM
i think you totally have the wrong perspective on this situation. if your toe had not been there, that dessert creme could have cracked open and there would be sticky goo all over your kitchen.
much like the kool-aid commerical.
oh, no.
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I don't care about the hardwood floors; I only care about myself.
Posted by: Abigail M. Schilling | October 2, 2007 02:19 PM
You're back and I'm so glad. I love reading about your adventures.
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Well, thank you, Gwyn. I loved reading your comment that you loved reading my adventures. :)
Posted by: Gwyn | October 2, 2007 02:50 PM
Don't give up on Rice Krispy treats so easily. Just start using real marshmallows and melt them yourself. Sure you run the risk of serious burns but a bag of mallows dropping on your foot is much less painful than a glass jar, and you can throw them at people without causing damage. The mallows not the jars.
Seriously, they are better that way.
Sorry about your toe. On the up side you get a brand new nail. You can teach it all the things the old nail refused to learn.
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I love that you called them mallows. From now on I am always going to call them mallows. Mad William, I read on the Internet that one can make an actual mallow gun! Wouldn't that be fun? We should make some. And thank you for your practical advice concerning my toenail. Fresh starts really are a good thing. :)
Posted by: Mad William | October 2, 2007 05:31 PM
I think any sacrifice is small when compared with the goodness that is homemade Rice Krispy Treats, especially when the sacrificial toe is not mine. However, I'll note (disappointedly) that the Treats are not mine, either, so I guess it's fair. :) So sorry it hurts -- hope it feels better soon.
Posted by: shari | October 2, 2007 10:57 PM
Sadly, most marshmallows are made with gelatin, and that's made from animal marrow, and there is no way to make it without it. There was even a recent scandal about "kosher marshmallows" that were supposed to be animal gelatin-free, but they weren't. So far, no one's found a really good vegetable-based substitute, but I keep my hopes up!
Posted by: Noelle | October 3, 2007 09:42 AM
Hey, a similar thing happened to me last year. It seriously feels better almost instantaneously if you heat a straightened paperclip in a lighter flame and singe through your toenail to release the pressure. Sounds horrendous, but there are no nerves in your toenail, and if you don't, according to my doctor, it could go septic and you maybe could lose your foot. (Or at least your toe!) Seriously. I wrote about it here.
Posted by: Talena | October 3, 2007 11:27 PM
Your poor Toe! I hope it is feeling a bit better now... and may I recommend the jumbo jar of Fluff, which comes in a nice plastic container, rather than a glass jar that could hurt your poor piggies? I've missed you and am so glad you're back!!
Posted by: NTE | October 4, 2007 01:17 PM