see ya later, calculator
Today is the day when the men with legal pads come to my office to scrutinize every single thing that I have done this year: every transaction I've made, every account I've reconciled, every invoice I've mailed. And the best part is they do it in front of me, and my boss, and my boss’ boss. Numbers on parade!
Every year I spend two weeks freaking out about this day. Two weeks freaking out, and also thinking about death. Because when I panic, I want to make sweet, sweet love to carbs. And think of the best ways to die.
As you know by now, my biggest fear is Bear Attack. And yesterday I took my anxiety to a whole new level by trying to rank death from best to worst in order of the kind of bear attack. What would be the best bear to be eaten by? Grizzly? Black? Polar?
I asked around, and the common consensus seems to be that Polar Bear Attack would be worst. Amy says it’s because they are twice as big as the average bear. Kat says it’s because they are extra pissed off about global warming, and also because you’d think they’d be real cuddly. (Thanks, Coca-Cola.)
After much deliberation I have ranked death from best to worst like this:
Best way to die: getting hit by an Avada Kedavra while fighting with the Order of the Phoenix.
Average way to die: choking on chocolate cake.
Almost worst way to die: Grizzly Bear Attack while watching Pride and Prejudice. (Brutal, plus you wouldn’t be able to finish the movie.)
Right before people die, they always try to make sure their loved ones are taken care of. That’s why last night, before I went up to bed, I pointed to the mantel where Amy’s copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has been sitting since her mum gave it to her in July.
“Promise me,” I said. “Promise me you’ll read it.”
She gave me a solemn nod, and locked her pinky with my own. "Promise," she said.
The worst way to die is math.
But I think you already knew that.
Comments
Math is also the worst way to live.
Hello, Heather Anne.
---
Correct. Hello, Scott!
Posted by: scott | October 19, 2007 08:59 AM
'You realize I couldn't finish reading this because of certain words I glanced at. I liked that part about the Hierarchy of Dying though.
---
THERE WEREN'T ANY SPOILERS WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LET THAT GO!
Posted by: peefer | October 19, 2007 09:34 AM
of course i would find a way to talk about global worming. predictable kat is predictable.
---
Hot Kat is hot.
Posted by: kat! | October 19, 2007 10:08 AM
I did know that.
You know what another bad way to die is? Right after you find out the baby is Henry's. WHAT. THE. HELL. MAN.
---
You know what I don't get? It's not frikkin' 1950. Does he have to marry Charlie? No! Also, more Marc and Amanda!
Posted by: Jennie! | October 19, 2007 10:28 AM
I know a cousin who likes math!
---
No one likes math. You have lied.
Posted by: Aunt Andi | October 19, 2007 10:54 AM
I suppoose it would be bad to die, right before having an orgasm too. But doing math in your head at the same time, would be the worst way to die.
---
No one does math while they are having sex. Please, Churlita, please tell me you made that up.
Posted by: churlita | October 19, 2007 11:41 AM
I'm the cousin that likes math!
---
No one likes math. You, like your mother, have lied.
Posted by: Cousin Candice | October 19, 2007 11:41 AM
I think the worst kind of bear attack would be panda, because it would be really, really slow.
---
This made me laugh out loud. (As in LOL.)
Posted by: Mike | October 19, 2007 11:48 AM
I'M GOING TO LET THAT GO WHEN I'VE FINISHED READING EVERY LAST PAGE OF IT! (I'm still a thousand away. It's Calvin's fault.)
Also, don't hate me because I love math. Hey! I could be like that guy from The Green Mile, and suck all the scary math stuff from people's bodies, through their nostrils!
---
Ha! I've never seen The Green Mile. You ruined it for me. NOW WE'RE EVEN!
Posted by: peefer | October 19, 2007 01:56 PM
I love Marc and Amanda! When Marc rolled around on the ground going "we're dooooomed DOOOOMED!" I think I fell in love with him.
---
One of the best lines of Ugly Betty ever is when Wili says, "No, your original instinct was correct. Fall back on the floor." Bwaha!
Posted by: Jennie! | October 19, 2007 02:33 PM
I have NOT lied - you do remember that I CHOSE to go to a MATH and science high school. I didn't only do the winter garden. Silly cousin.
---
A school of liars! A den of thieves!
Posted by: Cousin Candice | October 19, 2007 04:30 PM
See, the whole thing made sense to me because I thought you said "meth" is the worst way to die. And I thought, "That Heather Anne... even in the middle of an audit that is stressing her, she's getting the anti-drug message out to her peeps." And I really like that about you. So, I'm leaving it that way.
Posted by: shari | October 19, 2007 06:14 PM
I'm all caught up! And I missed you.
Posted by: Karindira | October 19, 2007 07:23 PM
Could there be a worster way to die that includes math AND polar bears?
Posted by: Jenn (the not-sister) | October 19, 2007 09:21 PM
Heather Anne,
It is not the fault of Coca-Cola that you have trouble separating reality from warm and fuzzy holiday themed cartoon commercials. I would greatly appreciate a retraction whereby you admit that Coca-Cola is not responsible for your thinking that actual polar bears would be nice and cuddly (or you could continue spreading your falsehoods and put me out of a job and take food out of Hogan's mouth). Thanks,
The Brother
Posted by: Jeremy | October 19, 2007 11:44 PM
Like always, you never fail to entertain and educate, I'm so glad you are back!!
Posted by: lizzie | October 20, 2007 10:36 AM
In college, I took a class called 'math appreciation.' As you might have guessed, it was fifteen minutes long including two bathroom breaks.
Posted by: Pixelation | October 20, 2007 02:07 PM
"The worst way to die is Math."
YES.
I totally want a t-shirt that says that.
Posted by: kerrianne | October 22, 2007 01:59 PM